So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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