She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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