who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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