see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
