Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
