im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
