I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
