the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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