My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think your dad took our porno
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
