I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
