I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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