She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
