I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
