Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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