Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
