I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
