Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
