Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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