god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
