It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
