My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
