everyone is single if you try hard enough
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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