ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
