So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
