i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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