U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
