i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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