dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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