i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
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I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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