Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
