just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
