I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
