I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
