Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
barbara walters just said penis...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She needs sedatives and a leash
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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