She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want her autograph on my taint
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
