He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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