she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
