This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
