So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
