my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
