Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
