You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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