Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
