I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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