Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
