I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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