Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
