Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
