Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
