forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
