does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
