Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
